all rise for the wing-king

Dude, are you serious? Whilst on a recent fact finding mission for the awesome Jeremy Scott teddy bear adidas trainers, I came across these beauties. What the actual flying fuck?

Technically these pants (yup, I am going ALL American on your ass here. Punk) are for dudes. Click the pic to buy 'em for £95! I would die if I saw a real life man mincing (oh you reckon a dude could do anything but mince in these babies, do you?) down the street in these. Of happiness you understand. Sheer happiness and tickledness. But, I'm also thinking about these guys for myself a bit here. You see, I suffer a devastating lady condition. One that flicks the finger at bodycon, pretty much rules out pencil skirts and skinny jeans and renders hareem pants a vile impossibility. Yes lady friends, we're talking saddle bags. Saddle bags are a bitch. Why, pockets of fat, why must you sit oh-so-wobbly right at the outside edge of the top of my thighs? Don't you think big thighs are enough on their own?! So what could these creations possibly do for the 'bagged' among us. Simples. Imagine, if you will: I pop down the gym and some particularly nasty type asks "gosh, aren't you embarrassed by those enormous saddle bags?" I can simply say "Honey. Those aren't saddle bags, those are wings". Reason enough to invest? You decide.

And for anyone suffering from back boobs, here's your solution...(a mere £120)

Jeremy Scott for adidas gives you wiiiiiiiings. Oh, hang on...

Lea-der of the pack (again)

Good evening peeps. How annoying is it that, now it's getting cold again, (it's TOTALLY getting cold in Scotland. I've officially moved into old-lady's-ville and am now bringing a hottie to bed regularly. And I don't mean Mr Scribbler. He is hot though) it takes freakin' ages for the washing to dry? What a pain in my ass. And what a second dose of old lady in my opening sentences. Should I be worried? I don't think so. Some survey fella in the street yesterday reckoned I was an 18-24 box ticker. I'm not :( I'm only the next one up though and not by much at that. Therefore, I solemnly swear to try to drop any further old lady chat from this post.

So what's got me chatting today? Well, I arrived home to the sight of something lying on the mat outside. It was my November Marie-Claire (November!? That means it's nearly time for me to add a notch to the birthday post!). And, in honour/promotion of Glee being back in America and back soon (please) in the UK, they've given the cover to Lea Michele. Now you may or may not know that Lea was fast becoming my little fashion crush with all her pretty red carpet dress and her cute style and then, poof! As fast as it had begun, it ended, with Lea sporting one icky dress after a-fugly-nother. Sad times people, sad times. However, I'm pleased to see that she is back to foxy fine. Don't get me wrong - it's by no means the awesomest dress ever seen (come on, it's by the King of Tack - Roberto Cavalli. Oh yes I did.) and I daresay that, full length, could even be frumpy. But the top half is flattering and elegant and the beading and sequin detail is sufficiently intricate to impress me. Plus the colouring really suits her skin tone and hair. So Lea - here's what the thing is. This is an improvement. BUT, if you're hoping to get a Little-Scribbler lady crush mention, you're gonna have to keep upping the game. Go forth and conquer!

FYI, liking the cover DOES not mean I'm going to continue my Marie Claire subscription. Can I be brutal? It's getting really kind of shit so, if you're thinking about subscribing to it, I'd recommend that you don't bother. Plus, subscribers don't get the cover gifts (yup, there's the crux for the stingy Scot!), even though their subscriber's edition with it's alternate cover, still chats on about the non existent freebie throughout! Don't take my loyalty for granted Marie Claire!

Oh my goodness, I look like a proper fancy lady!

Check me out. I DO look all proper lady like! And I'm in shoes # 21 from Miss Selfridge (which judging by the reaction when I previewed them are VERY popular!). Plus, who thinks I could, like, totally be in a catalogue with all this awesome posing malarkey? I'm thinking this particular demented eye action says 'when I'm finished rocking a Nicole Richie worthy hand on hip* here I am SO going over there to smack a midget with my invisible baseball bat**'.

*I am aware that I have hips and Miss R does not

** No midgets were harmed in the writing of this blog or by me at any other time. Although a midget darn near did me a mischief when I watched R Kelly's Trapped in the Closet. If you have not seen it, watch it now!

Here's the thing - I love this look. It's elegant, it's girlie and it's completely figure flattering. So why don't I look like this every day? There are a few reasons:

• Some days I just can't do heels all day. If there's any semi serious amount of walking in my day I can't do it. It's a shock confession, I know, especially as I pass myself off as some kind of shoe princess. The fact is, sometimes I just need the flats. Or my thoroughly grubby used-to-be-white Converse. Oh yes, you'll see them all in good time.
• Often I run out of time to blow-dry my hair in the morning so instead of being all sweeping fringe it's just a messy quiff.
• I don't want to typecast myself as a retro dolly only. Whilst I love the look, sometimes I just wanna wear a too-tight-for-me t shirt dress and layer on a shit load of rock chick eyeliner!
• Sometimes I out and out can't be arsed and just want to fire on jeans and a t shirt! Although there's no harm wearing a pretty necklace too.
• And lastly, sometimes I just feel bloated and want to hide under a moo, moo. Sexy it ain't but it's the truth!

So here's what went into the mix that made this delicious little cupcake of a look (other than, of course, sugar and spice and all things nice):

Vintage reproduction dress, £30 from Judy's Affordable Vintage fair.

Tapestry shoes, £45, from Miss Selfridge

Floral cardi from Primark

Leopard Print scarf from Accessorize

Bow hairband, tights and gold heart necklace from my cupboard AKA I can't remember where they're from! I stopped wearing all my bow hairbands and general fascinator bits of action when I chopped off all my hair earlier this year but I just couldn't help feeling a big juicy bow with this look...I still think it looks a wee bit daft (like when people fire a bow on their bald baby's head to make sure everyone knows SHE'S A GIRL, ALRIGHT?! The baby invariably looks like a twat [yes I did just say that] but the parent doesn't get all insecure about their darling daughter looking 'boyish'. Get over it - it's a baby - they all look much the same for the first few months. I tell you though, what I really struggle with is the 'aw so cute noises' when it's an ugly howler of a baby. That's tough. Anyway, enough already.) but it's my head and I can do what I like with it.

Anyway, this post has gone on over long. Have a swell Sunday evening. I'm off to make some toast and watch X Factor!

Do I smell like an old lady?

Last weekend, Judy's Affordable Vintage Fair rocked up in Edinburgh and so, with the offer of affordability and old skool glamour, I trotted (does that make it sound like I'm a goat or summat?) along with my pals for some rummaging, elbowing and shopping. That's my pal's lovely finger holding the bunting down while I mercilessly snap away at it with miphone. I love a nice bit of bunting.

This time around it was hosted in a church on George Street and it was a huge improvement on the last fair which was in Potter Row students union in, perhaps, the hottest, darkest room in Edinburgh. Seriously, you couldn't see half the stuff. By contrast, it was bright and airy this time, the air fragranced only with the unmistakable must of vintage goodies. And I swear the prices were better this time too. I didn't have the forethought to actually take any pictures inside (what, I'm still new to this bloggery and not accustomed to taking pics of every friggin' thing) the venue but, let's be honest - my friend held my bag (she was skint) all the way round so I could rummage in the most effective fashion - I wasn't gonna be much for photography. Instead, I've snapped my haul for you to ooh and aah over. Does anyone really truly ooh and aah over stuff still? Except fireworks. It's quite entertaining to watch folk during a big fireworks display. Man, there are always some gormless faces to behold during that shit. Ooh! Anyway, get your ooh aahs on people! Here they are:

Ooh! So what have we here then?! First up, this awesome green maxi dress with sequined bandeau (£25). Like a magpie to a milk bottle top (milk bottle tops were shiny and metal in yesteryear kids - FACT) this dress spied me and reeled my in with it's shiny sparkly fantastiche-ness! I also love that the skirt is fuller than the image belies, skimming bumpy bits and generally flowing like a mountain stream. Plus, some woman eyed me trying it on and said to her pal 'well she HAS to buy that'. Allegedly she was not being bribed by the stall holder! The dress is from Sophie Maddocks and is by the the far more glamorous (no offence Soph!)/porn star sounding Lilli Diamond of California. I like to think it was worn on, perhaps, a cheesy cruise ship, or maybe at a West Coast keys in the bowl swingers party. I can't see any stains mind you.

Next up is this beautiful vintage reproduction dress (£30). It came from a stall called either Vogue to Vintage or Vintage to Vogue. A quick Google search turns up nothing on them and the very lovely lady on the stall did say she doesn't have a shop or anything - she just sells at fairs - actual vintage and hand made reproductions. The picture doesn't show this dress off as best it could - it's super flattering with a little nipped waist and lovely full skirt. The dress is new but was made from an original 50s pattern. The big roses on black are perfect for my working of this season's winter florals AND Prada-esque ladylike (honestly, although I love the shows and whatnot, I don't really give much of a shit about being in fashion or on trend. It's just nice when stuff you like is in and you can stock up. Like leopard print. I'll stock up again this season and wear it after the trend slaves ditch it again)- I think I'll be wearing this dress a lot!

And finally - also from V to V, is this awesome purple dress, a bargain at £12! (I bartered as I was buying two dresses - get me!). There are no tags in it so I don't know where it's from or what it's made from but the musky must tells me it's a good style vintage number. I love that it's got subtlety in the knee length skirt, long sleeves (there's a slight bat wing and exaggerated shoulder there) and demure skirt but then, BANG sequined beaded waist a mundo! In yo' face!

Ooh, here's a close up...

And finally finally, my pal had a whoopie pie and a cup of tea at the fair and declared the pie to be deeeeelicious!

What the *&% you looking at?

Seriously, what the fuck is my problem in this picture? I look like the camera's just told me that my quiff's falling apart and that, in retrospect, shoes number 20, yes 20, from schuh, aren't actually the best choice to go with this outfit. And, following such insults, I clearly want to kill the camera. Oh dear.

Actually, I'm starting to feel a little murderous right now. They've changed blogger and you can't upload pics and type at the same time now and the picture editor while, in the main, better, is kind of a pain in the arse. So, anyway, there we have it - my murder stare. And here are the shoes that I was so unsure about:

(Still hating on blogger - maybe I should move to typepad or another blog thing, none of the names of which I remember right now. Tumblr - ha!) The thing about the shoes is that I loved them when I bought them and I wore them all the time. (and I bought them in pink, purple and black with gold leopard print - oh you'll see them all at some point). I loved the nice square toe, the shiny patent, the killer heel and the concealed platform. But patent and skinny heels come and go for me and right now I'm not mad hot about these babies. I'm like a bad mother with favourites and just now, these are my kid that I wish would just shut the fuck up and behave. Go to your room!

Maybe they're just bad with these jeans. I acknowledge that, despite the fact that I've worn them all my life, jeans are not my best friend and often serve only to my my arse, and more particularly, my thighs, look E-FRIGGIN-NORMOUS. These particular jeans are not too bad for it. They're indigo (big thigh friendly tick) and they have a wide but not too wide leg (big thigh friendly tick). So far so good. The problem is they're just not really long enough to wear with a heel, especially a spindly one. Jeans and heels incompatibility aside, I don't mind this look for a can't be bothered day. I like my dark grey American Apparel tee and I like my red and grey striped Primark cardi. I LOVE my Lady Luck rules ladybird necklace! In fact, if I'd just worn my smelly old Cons, my face would probably be smiling. Well ain't that a lesson learned.

Anyway, according to sky plus, I've kept Fearne Cotton and Beth Ditto waiting 58mins now so I'm gonna go see what wisdom pearls (ahem) they have to share. Here's my lovely necklace to keep you all entertained while I'm away.

Jazz, er, feet???

It's shoes number 19 ladies and gentlemen! And it's a little floral schuh, well, jazz shoe type thingamajigy. They're pretty little things: cream canvas with little cream laces and pink floral print. Regardez:


See - pretty little things. And, for once, I went for not clashing the shit out of my outfit and paired them with a simple grey Urban Outfitters jersey bandeau (which, yes, I know I wear all the time but get over it. This isn't about my fabulous wardrobe.), black leggings, a white tee and a denim shirt. Sometimes simple really is better. I topped the lot off with some glorious Accessorize pearls with a big pink grosgrain ribbon tie - just to add some girlie glamour, you know?!

I'm aware that I look a bit mental in this picture but the red eye came out looking absolutely chronic and I HAD to do something about it!

And it's just pictures from here on in...



Final though: As if Caleb from Kings of Leon got engaged! Heart breaker.

Er,Dem-olishing the competition!

All I'm hearing about right now on Twitter and on my emails is London Fashion Week. And being up in Scotland and NOT in London, this is giving me serious fashion envy. I love a good fashion show and, well, these shows are the proverbial daddies, aren't they?! As you may have figured from my usual chat, I don't profess to be a fashion expert but I know what I like. And, at the risk of sounding like a cliche (again) I LOVED what was on display at Erdem.


Erdem Moralioglu is, in my eyes, a genius. Every season I spy something in there that, was I a rich lady, I would be laying my pretty little hands on! And this season is no exception. Delicate lace, bases of pale lemon, cream and navy, brought to life with vivid florals - it's pure heaven to me. Believe me when I say I spent ages trying to whittle down 5 looks that I loved but, dear, reader, for you, I have. Anything for you! So here are some of my favourites. However, please note that, if you wish to buy me another piece from the collection, I shall not object.

After years of not getting down with the maxi, last summer I jumped in with a purdy H&M number. This Erdem piece, for me, has just the right proportion (nice waist then fuller on the skirt) and the v neck with transparent insert is just treading the right line between subtle and suggestive. Whack on a pretty smattering of flowers, culminating with a veritable garden at the hem and you got yourself one gorgeous dress.

I can't do fancy trousers. I'm a pear shape and I just can't. If you'd like to try to style me up and prove me wrong, let me know but, otherwise, please just accept that I look like a troll in them. However, it doesn't stop me loving this pair. I imagine that they feel gorgeous and, style wise, I LOVE the pairing of the ditsy floral with the larger sheer lily print blouse (again, perfect balance of sexy and demure). Clash, clash, clash!

Well this dress is just pretty and fun. Flirty and flippy with a flattering and cute mid length sleeve, it just says young and fun to me. I can't tell what the print is (dude, you try - I have 20/20 vision and it's just too wee) but it's got jelly beans and shiny pebbles in my head!

Oh, I love this. Ladylike pixie! The delicate cream lace collar stands out from the navy lace sleeves of the shirt (well it looks like a shirt underneath. Feel free to correct me if you know better, smarty!) and both work beautifully with the dark navy fit 'n' flare dress. The plain dark colour palette then allows the bold florals to really pop! Mary, Mary quite contrary how does your garden grow?!

Aw, and finally, this little lemon dress is the natural shift from a/w 10's ladylike trend and lower hemlines, with it's skater skirt and girlie colouring. Once again, the plain background lets the flowers become the main focus. This is dress perfection!

I love you Erdem.